The Perfect Parent

Over this past weekend, many of us participated in the celebration of Mother’s Day. A mom, a grandmother, an aunt, a family member, or someone who stood in as the role of a “Mom” figure gets celebrated. We think of their love, kindness, and selflessness. Of the qualities they do best for their family and children, traits others strive to attain. However, as I started thinking about this, I started thinking about the men in recovery who struggle with addiction. I know this is an odd pairing, but let me explain.

                Mothers and Fathers are supposed to play significant roles in the lives of their children. A great responsibility that is a tremendous gift from God; there is a sad reality to this statement, not all parents view it this way. Some parents are involved with their kids but not in the way God intended. Some are careless, some are abusive, some are never even involved with their child. The standard of a parent is not held by all parents. If you are a parent who struggles with addiction, then you probably have recognized how it affects not only yourself but also your kids. Temptations can make us irritated, foul thoughts can make us aggressive, and a lack of discipline can make us lax in our attention to our kids.

               This article is not for attacking us, though; it is about shedding some light on open wounds. If you are in active addiction or working recovery, you can hold a resentment for a parent on how they acted or didn’t act. Maybe we wish they had asked us how we felt, so we could have a chance to share pain. Perhaps when we told them about addiction, they shut us down and made us feel small and worthless because of it. Maybe we never had them involved, so we were left with nowhere to turn at all. There are countless possibilities for how these stories look. Almost always filled with pain and brokenness where a good parent and God should have been.

               I am sure if this relates to you, either you feel anger and wrath rising, or sorrow. Potentially both.

               I wish I could say in these words I had the fix to these kinds of hurts, but I do not; I only have encouragement on how we can move forward. Not to forget, but forgive as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would.

               When we progress in recovery, we will address deep hurts such as these. We learn tools and tips to learn how to carefully open the traumatic experiences inside us and deliver them safely to God so that he may relieve us of such emotional burdens. The 12 steps work a great deal on us first and foremost, but they also give grace to us in the recognition that some behavioral patterns were born from conditions and feelings we were exposed to. Whether the good ones, the bad ones, or the lack thereof. Truth be told, parents play a huge role in this, and we know it.

               By working recovery, we will learn to love like we never were, to hold peace that we never experienced, and to teach in the way we never were taught. In all these things, rework them to the purpose of God and the benefit of our own families and children. I can testify that in my own family, a wife, a daughter, and a son…. Plus, one onery pup, that working recovery and the 12 steps have made me a much better dad. I can’t speak for women, but I am sure it has a similar effect. I hold more patience when the kids are being rambunctious. I do not let my anger speak for me so often. I love my wife even more because of the love given to me by God and the group. Overall, I just feel happier, and that goes such a long way in this addiction. Happiness alone can pack a punch, but that is for another article.

               So here are the main points of this article. Our parents or guardians, if we had them, were not perfect, and that is no excuse for them. We are not perfect, and that is no excuse for us. All we can do for ourselves, our families, and possibly even our parents, is to give ourselves to this program. Give to our recovery and meetings. Feed ourselves with goodness and happiness so that we can be better people and parents. If we can break a cycle, we should be doing just that. It can take time, however, and do not forget to afford yourself grace in the process as well, but let us not wrongfully make excuses either.

Gaven F.

A grateful believer in Jesus Christ.