450 Men and Counting: What I’ve Learned About Real Accountability

I have had the distinct honor of helping over 450 men with their struggles with sexual impurity and pornography. At the very beginning of our first phone call, I tell each of them this number—450. Unashamedly, I share that these men love God, and God loves them. They had the courage to reach out and say, “I need help in this area.”

Why do I make sure they hear this 450 number? Because even though statistics show that the vast majority of men struggle in some way, shape, or form with pornography or sexual impurity, we often tell ourselves, No one has done what I’ve done. No one has gone as far as I have. No one is as bad as I am.

That’s why I want every man to hear this: You are not alone.

Real Accountability

I want to talk to you today about real accountability. I don’t know anyone who has overcome issues with sexual impurity without accountability, nor do I know a truly righteous man who has been successful without it.

In our world, filled with distractions and temptations, having a healthy accountability system is crucial—especially for men.

James talks to us about the process of accountability and the role it plays in the life of a righteous man:

James 5:16“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

What Does Healthy Accountability Look Like?

I’ve narrowed it down to four key points that are crucial for effective accountability.

1. Consistency

1 Corinthians 10:12 (KJV)

“Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.”

The first essential element of accountability is consistency. When we commit to living a righteous and morally pure life, it’s vital to have regular, intentional check-ins. That might mean once a day, a couple of times a week, or a set time each month. Whatever it is, it must be consistent.

Imagine I’m your accountability partner, and I promise to check in every Friday at 10 a.m. If I fail to follow through and don’t reach out until Monday, I haven’t fulfilled my role as your accountability mentor.

On the other hand, if you as the mentee don’t respond when I ask about your progress, that signals a breakdown in accountability. Consistency keeps us focused on our journey toward purity and healing.

2. Rigorous Honesty

Psalm 51:6

“Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.”

Next is rigorous honesty, a crucial aspect of any accountability relationship—especially for a man seeking to live as James describes through confession.

As an accountability mentor, I must ask direct and probing questions about your struggles, losses, victories, and temptations. But for this dynamic to work, the mentee must also be completely honest in their responses. Notice that I said struggles and temptations, not just victories and losses. Effective accountability isn’t a simple thumbs-up or thumbs-down process. It’s rarely cookie-cutter. I find it helpful to ask about stress, loneliness, or fatigue—all factors that can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Think about putting together furniture from IKEA. Why do they give us a 50-page manual in seven languages? Just give me a hammer, a screwdriver, and some duct tape. Oh, and ignore the extra pieces, I am sure they mean too include them, right?

Or remember the days before GPS? We’d get directions like, “Turn at the Piggly Wiggly,” or “Go past the old bank that the old oak tree fell on back in the storm of ’87.” Now, we’re told exactly when to turn—500, 200, 25 feet. Sometimes I just want to drive and turn when I feel like it!

The point is, most of us men don’t like being told what to do or that we’re wrong. But true growth happens when we confront these issues openly. If you’re struggling with temptation or have had a setback, sharing that struggle is essential. Only through rigorous honesty can we develop effective tools to navigate challenges and support one another.

3. Trust

Proverbs 27:6

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

Trust is the cornerstone of accountability. It means you can confide in me without fear of judgment. It means believing that I will respect your vulnerabilities and never use them against you. Within accountability, you can never break confidences.

In the recovery world, trust allows us to discuss weaknesses, temptations, and setbacks without shame. If you fear ridicule or condemnation, you’ll hesitate to share your true thoughts and feelings.

Let’s talk about emotional weapons. In any close relationship—friendships, work, church, or marriage—emotions can become weapons, even unintentionally. My wife will tell you she cannot be my accountability partner. Not because I want to hide anything, but because accountability requires discussing even fleeting thoughts of temptation. We’re too emotionally connected for her not to be hurt, which could lead to conflict.

I often use the analogy of “Suzy down the street.” Let’s say every morning at 8 a.m. I drive east to work, and there’s a neighbor named Suzy jogging in revealing clothing. At first, I notice her but turn away. Later, maybe I take a second glance. Then, after an argument with my wife—what we lovingly call “intense fellowship”—I might think, I bet Suzy doesn’t talk to her husband like that.

At that point, I need confession and accountability.

Now’s if i were to go to my wife and confess that I have been noticing Ms. Suzy, my wife is likely to have one of 2 reactions.

Option one is she claws my eyes out to ensure I never can see ole Sister Suzy or anyone else ever again.

Option two, my sweet wife marches on down to Suzy’s house. Give her a piece of her mind and tell her to put some clothes on her self!

Obviously I am being dramatic, maybe if you’ve met my wife she is a little thug, and will curb stomp you.

In reality though, what is more likely to happen after I share this confession with my wife is the next time we get into an intense fellowship moment she might say something like, “Well if you don’t like how I scramble your eggs, maybe you should ask Suzy down the street to whip up your breakfast!”

You see my wife and I are too emotionally attached for her to be able to at times step back and look logically.

As an accountability mentor, I must speak truth in logic, not letting emotion lead my counsel.

So, if a man came to me about “Suzy down the street,” I might say, “What if you left for work at 7:55 instead of 8? Or took a different route?” Practical logic, paired with trust, creates a safe space for open dialogue and growth.

4. Support

Proverbs 11:14

“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.”

Finally, accountability requires support. Life is rarely a solo journey—at least not a healthy one. We need to surround ourselves with people who understand our struggles and are willing to walk alongside us. This network can include accountability mentors, other mentors, and support groups.

A Breakdown of Accountability

We’ve covered the key elements of healthy accountability: consistency, rigorous honesty, trust, and support. But accountability extends beyond moral purity. Men from every walk of life—pastors, leaders, followers, business owners—need accountability.

Recently, I came across the story of a man named Andy Byron. Perhaps you’ve heard of him? Once I begin to tell you his story, I believe you will. He was at a Coldplay concert when the “kiss cam” focused on him and a woman he was cuddling with. Unfortunately, that woman wasn’t his wife—it was an employee.

Mr. Byron was a successful tech entrepreneur worth around $70 million. I can only imagine that people in his company knew about the relationship, saw boundaries being crossed, yet no one stepped in to hold him accountable.

What Mr. Byron lacked was accountability—not only in his personal life but also in his professional one. As men, we often think we don’t need accountability. We believe we can handle things on our own or that we’re above oversight. But as

1 Corinthians 10:12 reminds us:

“Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.”

Accountability—in purity, recovery, and the life of a righteous man—is a powerful tool for personal growth and spiritual development. By embracing consistency, practicing rigorous honesty, fostering trust, and maintaining a strong support network, we create an environment where we can hold each other accountable while navigating the complexities of our desires and past.

I hope this article will help you reflect on your own accountability practices. Consider how you can strengthen these elements in your relationships and personal journey. Remember, accountability isn’t just about monitoring behavior—it’s about building a network that empowers us to live out our values and commitments while healing from past challenges.