Kindled Wrath

One weekend my wife and I found ourselves at our wits end with each other. It seemed every day if not multiple times a day, we had something to bicker about. We were both searching for peace behind the scenes, but every time we let something out of our mouths, it was the opposite of that. On this weekend, Saturday night had rolled around, as I entered our bedroom she proceeded to look at me and ask one question, “Have you struggled today”.

In that instant my heart had sunk and all I could say was, “Yes I have”.

                  She then became emotional, sad, and probably a bit angry. We talked briefly about this matter and did our best to hold it together the rest of the evening. The next morning we were cordial with each other, some smiles here, and a couple chuckles there. But you could feel that tension in the air. Tension I had unfortunately become familiar with, and with that I realized she must have felt this way too. Though my morning had started well, it began to develop an anxious undertone. I started to feel shame, guilt, worry, and fear. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way. I know I had hurt my wife, that I had made her upset, but we knew we loved each other. This wasn’t a matter of potential separation from each other, but I just couldn’t shake this feeling. My stride was slowing down and my mind with it. I tried praying, I tried reasoning, I even tried distracting myself, but nothing was working.

                  In a last-minute attempt to find peace before I was consumed with panic, I opened the Bible. It opened to Psalm 38, and the first verse read as this,

“O LORD, rebuke me not in thy wrath: Neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.”

                  Now I did go on to read the entire chapter, however, this opening verse was the one that struck home. I began to question King David’s prayer in this moment. I knew God didn’t like my sin, but I had never actually thought about the possibility of him being angry with me. You may be thinking this is somewhat silly, but I had always viewed the “Angry” God as being the old him, and now as the never-ending mercy and grace God. But I forgot a crucial fact, he is still the same God, and he still hates sin.

                  I realized at this point that my engagement in sexual sin, entertaining my temptations, and constantly going back and forth, had made him angry with me. Right away I began to pray a prayer awfully close to David’s, and within seconds I began to feel anxiety lift, the burden disappear. I repented in a new way. Not only was I sorry, but I revered and feared God in that moment, for I knew my sin had made him upset with me.

                  God may not choose to strike us down because of our shortcomings, but he certainly doesn’t expect us to return to sin like a dog to its vomit. If we do, he gets upset with us because it gains nothing and lacks everything. Now I don’t believe he is always angry, but he is always merciful. All it takes is some time to acknowledge our sickness and struggles. From there we can seek him and he will not hide himself or his feelings from us. We can and will be made whole when searching after God in our walk of recovery.

Gaven F.

A grateful believer in Jesus Christ.