The Respect Men Are Starving For

Stephen Arterburn puts it plainly in The Secrets Men Keep: tell a man you love him, and if he feels disrespected, he won't buy it. Show him respect instead, and he'll believe you love him even if the word never comes out of your mouth.

That's the whole chapter in two sentences: for many men, respect is the doorway to love. It runs against almost everything we're taught about relationships, and it's probably why so many men check out instead of opening up.

Arterburn found that 85 percent of Christian men feel disrespected. That's not a fringe number. That's most of the men in your church, your small group, maybe your own living room, walking around convinced the people closest to them don't see them as capable or worth listening to.

Here's the part that trips people up. Respect isn't a nice extra men want on top of love. For a lot of men, it IS how love gets translated. Say “I love you” all you want, but roll your eyes at his opinion in front of your friends, or correct him in front of the kids, and he's not going to feel loved. He's going to feel small. And a man who feels small doesn't hear “I love you” as true, no matter how often you say it.

Flip it the other direction and the same thing happens in reverse. A wife who backs her husband's decision in front of the kids, or brags about him without being asked to, is saying “I love you” louder than the actual words would.

Why does this matter so much to men specifically? Most guys are still carrying around one question from somewhere back in childhood: am I enough? Love answers “you're wanted.” Respect answers “you're capable.” When men have to pick one, they'll usually pick capable.

This is where Arterburn's second point comes in, and it's the one that explains a lot of quiet men. If losing respect is the scariest thing that can happen to a man, he's not going to hand you a reason to disrespect him. So the affair he almost had stays buried. The debt stays buried. The addiction, the depression, whatever it is, stays buried. Not because he doesn't want help. Because in his head, confessing costs him more than staying silent does.

Ask anyone who runs a men's ministry, and they'll tell you the same story. You set up the small group, you talk about vulnerability and transparency, and the guys show up, they nod along, and nothing real ever gets said. They're not stubborn. They're protecting the only thing they've got left, how the guys around them see them.

So what do you do with this? If you're leading men, or you're married to one who never opens up, stop leading with “be vulnerable with me.” Lead with respect instead, and let the vulnerability come later, on its own. He'll admit the struggle once he trusts your respect isn't going anywhere. Not before.

For wives, this might mean paying attention to how you disagree, not whether you disagree. “I think this is a bad idea” and “you never think anything through” say two completely different things to a man, even if you meant them the same way.

And for pastors: 85 percent isn't a statistic to file away. It's most of the room. The silence you're getting from the men in your church isn't apathy. It's a defense they built because somewhere along the way, showing up honest cost them.

Arterburn isn't saying men don't need love. He's saying they receive it through a door most of us keep walking past. Try the other door first.