By Dean P
Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Do you feel responsible for keeping others happy, even at the cost of your own well-being?
While we primarily focus on the addictions of pornography and sexual compulsion, the addiction of co-dependency is real and very prevalent, especially in my own life.
“When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable” by Karen Ehman is a guide for people-pleasers who struggle with setting boundaries.
Here are 10 important lessons from the book:
1. People-Pleasing is Not the Same as Loving Others
Saying "yes" out of guilt or fear of disappointing someone isn’t an act of love—it’s a lack of boundaries. True love includes honesty and mutual respect.
2. You Can’t Fix Everyone’s Problems
It’s natural to want to help others, but taking responsibility for their emotions or choices only drains you. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is step back.
3. Saying “No” is Not Selfish
Setting limits doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you value your time, energy, and mental health. A well-placed "no" allows you to say "yes" to what truly matters.
4. Guilt is Not a Good Reason to Say “Yes”
If your "yes" is driven by guilt or fear rather than genuine willingness, it’s time to reconsider. Guilt-based decisions rarely lead to true joy or fulfillment.
5. Your Worth is Not Defined by Others' Approval
People-pleasers often seek validation from others. The book reminds us that our worth isn’t tied to what people think of us but to who we are at our core.
6. Overextending Yourself Leads to Resentment
When we constantly sacrifice our own needs, we don’t feel more loving—we feel exhausted and resentful. Healthy boundaries prevent burnout and preserve relationships.
7. Some Relationships Thrive on Your Over-Giving
Certain people may take advantage of your kindness. Recognizing these one-sided relationships can help you set limits and protect your emotional well-being.
8. You Teach Others How to Treat You
If you always say "yes" without hesitation, people will continue to expect it. Communicating your limits teaches others to respect your time and energy.
9. God (or Your Faith) Does Not Call You to be a Doormat
For those with spiritual beliefs, the book clarifies that serving others doesn’t mean losing yourself. Loving others well includes loving yourself, too.
10. Boundaries Make Your “Yes” More Meaningful
When you stop saying "yes" out of obligation, the times you do say "yes" become more intentional and fulfilling, bringing real joy instead of exhaustion.
As someone who has battled with the addiction of co-dependency, I can attest to how overwhelming it feels to constantly prioritize others at the expense of my own well-being. The cycle of saying "yes" out of guilt or fear often leaves me feeling drained and resentful, and I’ve come to realize that my worth is not defined by how much I can do for others.
The lessons outlined in the book resonate deeply with me, reminding me that setting boundaries is not selfish but necessary for our mental and emotional health. By learning to say "no" and recognizing that we can love others without losing ourselves, we are beginning to reclaim our autonomy and foster healthier relationships. It’s a journey, but embracing these insights gives me hope that I can break free from the chains of people-pleasing and find joy in living authentically.
Take what you like and leave the rest!
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